Are you dating someone with children? Have you ever considered the implications of dating a person who has kids?
Dating someone with kids isn’t a walk in the park, and that’s not a bad thing. It just means that choosing to date someone with kids often brings along some additional stressors compared to dating someone without kids. But with patience and understanding, it can also be a rewarding experience.
Most of us grow up with a rigid belief of what the perfect relationship should look like: the whirlwind romance, a fairytale wedding, followed by an angelic set of kids. I had that fairytale, and guess what, it was not forever. Life is messy, it’s unpredictable, and it’s unique for all of us.
When I was younger, dating someone with kids was a no-go territory. But after going through a divorce with three kids, let’s just say my perspective has changed. Now, I truly appreciate a partner with kids. It feels more natural in my situation since I have kids of my own. Discovering this new world of dating as a single mother has brought many challenges, but it has also been incredibly rewarding.
Dating someone with kids brings many things to think about, and it’s important to understand what you’re getting into. I’m not here to scare you, just to keep it real. When you’re with someone who has children, their priorities might be a bit different, and that’s completely okay. This is for anyone dating someone with children—if you intend to stay, here are nine important things to understand.
1. The kids have a mom or dad, and it’s NOT you
When you’re dating someone with kids, it’s good to remember that they already have a mom or dad—this isn’t a role for you to take on. Showing respect for their existing family setup and understanding that your partner’s relationship with their ex is part of their life can make a big difference.
Instead of trying to replace the other parent, focus on creating a special, unique bond with the children. Be supportive of their parents’ role and decisions, and share your feelings openly. This approach helps create a positive environment without any unnecessary tension or feeling of competition. Think of yourself as a supportive companion rather than a co-parent.
2. A lot will be out of your control
Balancing a busy custody schedule means fitting in school runs, homework, extracurriculars, and managing loud temper tantrums, among other things. Your evenings, weekends, and vacation times will be shaped around the kids’ routines.
That also means no more spontaneous weekend getaways or unexpected two-week vacations outside of school holidays. It’s a shift from doing whatever you want, whenever you want.
Loving a partner who’s busy with kids comes with its own joys and challenges. For some, this may feel completely natural, especially if you also have kids. But it’s good to be aware of what you might be giving up along the way.
3. Balance is hard
Finding a balance can be challenging for your significant other, especially when trying to juggle time between you and the family. I recall when I began dating after my divorce. I felt pulled in different directions — eager to spend quality moments with my partner, yet also craving as much time as possible with my kids. Don’t put pressure on yourself or your partner. It’s a common experience, and with patience and understanding, it can become easier for everyone involved.
4. You’ll need to be patient
Patience is really important when you’re dating someone with kids. Building a strong relationship takes time, especially since children might need a little while to get used to you. Keep in mind that your partner’s kids will usually come first, which can sometimes make scheduling tricky. Let the relationship between you and the kids develop naturally—there’s no need to rush it.
Show genuine interest in their lives and respect their boundaries. Also, your partner might need some time to balance their parenting duties with your relationship. By practicing patience, you’re creating a warm and supportive environment where trust and understanding can grow, making your bond with both your partner and their children even stronger.
5. Kids will ALWAYS come first
When dating someone with kids, it’s truly important to remember that their children will always come first. Their happiness and emotional well-being are top priorities, and as a caring partner, it’s wonderful to respect that. This might mean being adaptable with plans, understanding that your partner’s time is often shared, and being patient with their parenting choices.
Try not to take it personally if your partner needs to focus on their children sometimes. Instead, cheer them on and show genuine interest in their kids’ lives.
6. You shouldn’t meet the kids until you know you’re not going anywhere
When you’re dating someone with kids, it’s a good idea to wait a bit before meeting the children. Doing so helps prevent any unnecessary emotional stress for both your partner and the kids. Children can sometimes feel confused or anxious about new adults in their lives, especially if things change quickly.
Giving it some time lets your partner observe how things are progressing and choose the right moment for everyone involved. Some recommend waiting until six months, while others prefer to wait until engagement. Ultimately, there’s no ideal time—just ensure you feel at ease.
7. The kids need to be ready to meet you, too
When you’re dating someone who has kids, it’s really important to remember that the kids need to feel comfortable and ready to meet you, too. Their feelings and emotional preparedness are crucial for building a happy and positive relationship. Rushing into introductions can sometimes cause anxiety or resistance from the kids, which might make things more complicated for the whole family.
Take your time to develop a strong connection with your partner first, so they can see when their children are ready to meet you. Maintain an open dialogue about feelings and expectations, and let your partner guide the way.
8. You have to build a relationship with his children
If your relationship develops the way you hope, you’ll find it comes naturally to connect with the kids over time. They’ll become an important part of your life without you having to force it. So, embrace this opportunity with open arms. Take small steps to communicate and slowly build a warm, genuine bond.
9. It will be harder than you think
When you’re observing from the outside, it’s simple to make plans and think through potential problems. However, in reality, things aren’t as clear-cut as they seem.
When you’re in the moment and experiencing something, your emotions and others’ feelings also influence the situation. This often makes things more complicated than they seem. Everyone I’ve talked to about dating someone with children agrees that it has been more challenging than they initially expected.
After reading this article, are you feeling more prepared to embark on the rewarding yet sometimes challenging journey of dating someone with kids? If you’re looking to learn more about this topic, I recommend checking out this book on Amazon. Keep in mind that patience, understanding, and respect for their family dynamics are really important. There’s no need to rush — take your time to build trust and a strong connection. If you found these tips helpful, we’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Let’s support each other and enjoy this journey together!
Until next time, I suggest checking out ‘How Can You Meet Singles Without Dating Apps?’—it could be a really helpful read!